What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 02:06
But it wasn’t much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I write beautiful poetry .
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We all went to grammer schools
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was scared of men, in general
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I will be 64.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Is it okay for my husband to help other ladies without telling me?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I never cut or harmed myself..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Put me off passion for life!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She wouldn,t have been !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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All the time i was locked up.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do all the stupid people think Donald J. Trump is stupid?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What did i know ?
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ive learnt so much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I have no regrets .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im still living with it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was in good health!
I was 9 years of age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I waited trembling.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was seconnd youngest,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is soul school!.
So whats the point in blame.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But, we were locked up after school.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He knew the spot.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It was going to be , some day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My family never makes their pension either.
I don,t even have a pension.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So, i spoilt her more .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I think the readers, may guess!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She found it foreign!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Would this be the day?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She married twice! .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Who then, do I blame.?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!